Opinion | Embracing Your Female Sexuality

By Esiri Ukueku-Uduaghan

It’s not shocking to me that in 2019 a lot of people still consider sex something a woman gives and a man takes.

This notion will continue to be fostered by the overwhelming campaign in favor of feminine virginity.

Trust me when I say Feminine virginity, because in actual fact, where religion and culture say they promote the practice of maintaining virginity up until marriage, they only concentrate and mount so much pressure on policing the feminine hymen.

None of these sectors give a shit about what a man does with his penis.

From childhood, boys start experiencing erections and puberty clocks at age 9.

Wet dreams begin from that age and so does ejaculation.

Long before a boy attains 18yrs of age, he has already become a master at self pleasuring.

He knows exactly where his pleasure buttons are and has made a habit of sexually satisfying himself and soceity waves it off with the point that It is natural, He is a man, Its part of his development.

Isn’t it natural and part of the development of women too?

While the boy child is evolving, developing, exploring, owning and mastering his masculinity, the hymen and the sexuality in general of the girl child is being barricaded and policed from here to Timbuktu.

Little wonder a lot of women consider orgasms something men enjoy exclusively while using their female bodies as a means to that end.

Isn’t this why the power dynamics in a relationship changes once a woman has sex with a man?

Isn’t this why women feel used when a man breaks up with them after they have been intimate?

Do you know any guy who would feel used simply because you broke up with him after he had sex with you?

Clearly, sex is percieved as something women engage in for the benefit of Men. So we are not expected to derive pleasure from sex and the longer a woman holds on to her virginity, the longer she holds on to her power.

Isn’t this the lopsided misrepresentation of fact that soceity has sold to us subliminally?

There are a zillion books on steps and strategies with which women can pleasure their men and satisfy them in bed in order to control them or keep them away from other women.

Kayanmata is selling like wild fire….

But rarely do you find a book on how women can take pleasure and reach the pinnacle of sexual satisfaction.

Isn’t that fascinating?

Giving that in every consensual sexual activity the one party who is not in doubt of how or if he would gain sexual satisfaction is almost always if not always the man.

While the average woman is confounded by her body, her sexuality and her womanhood. You would expect that women be encouraged to start on time to explore their sexuality but this is not the case.

Even if the average woman had the most patient and vibrant sexual partner, she couldnt show him a blue print to her climax point.

The obsession with the female genitalia and the pressure placed on the woman to keep her legs closed, preserve her body and her virginity only to grant unfettered access to a penis that has been jerking off since age 10 is a demand I find strange and unreasonable.

To what end?

Logically, what are the advantages of asking women to keep their virginity and refrain from exploring their sexuality?

What really is the objective behind religion’s and soceity’s caging of a woman’s sexuality?

Are you asking questions?

Go through your bible and pay attention to the marital practice of showing of the blood stained bedsheet after a couple’s fresh consummation of their marriage as proof of a woman’s virginity.

Islam’s idea of a carrot and stick approach is offering its faithfuls a bevy of virgin ladies to consummate with in the afterlife.

Culture is rife with its propagation of various modes of FGM to inhibit a woman’s desire for sexual pleasure.

Everywhere you turn, different sectors reaffirm the soceital construct that a woman’s sexual expression and indulgence must be suppressed.


Why are women discouraged from exploring their sexuality which is a significant part of their femininity?


Why are they estopped from knowing their wants, their likes, their desires, what pleasures them and mastering their own bodies?

Isn’t this a significant part of human development?

Why are they asked to wait until they are married to discover a pleasure that resides within them?


Doesn’t that place their sexual fulfillment
at the mercy of the sexual proficiency of their spouses?

Doesn’t that mount unnecessary pressure on the men, to be responsible for discovering what brings pleasure to our own bodies?

Isn’t this exactly how some women end up in their graves without ever experiencing the liberty of the reckless abandon that comes with an orgasmic release?

Why are men not expected to be dependent on women or marriage to discover their own sexual pleasure?

What is it about the sexual liberty of the woman that threatens soceity so bad?

It’s a popular notion in soceity that you can tell when a young woman has started having sex.

They say her walking steps change and she becomes rude and opinionated.

They say; Can you imagine? 😳I’m talking and she is talking back at me? I don’ t blame her, when she has started doing what her mother is doing, why won’t she think we are mates..🤣🤣

Is that it? Is it the possibility of owning and displaying that feminine confidence, sassiness and powerful sensuality that has got them worried?

Oh!!! I understand. They need women tame, naive and humble. Which is why many would prefer to catch them young.

A great case for the continued practice of female child marriage in nigeria.

Gush!!! 🤦‍♀️ Its a struggle, but trust me there is so much social conditioning to unlearn.

Are you asking questions or are you still comfortable choking down everything you have been told your whole life hook, line and sinker.

When a woman embraces her womanhood, explores her body, masters and gains autonomy over her sexuality, void of psychological fear or shame powered by religion or culture, there is a knowing.

There is an innate power of femininity she gains access to and posseses the liberty to wield. That aura is unbelievably sexy.

Esiri Ukueku-Uduaghan is a Nigerian Attorney, Social Commentator and Gender Rights Advocate.


1 reply »